Ahh Silly Me!

I think, I am done with this world! I am done with everyone. Done letting people make me feel bad, crash my confidence, treat me like shit, and all of that. They say in hindsight everyone is wiser, but me, ohh silly me, just defy all this.

This is all because of me, because I gave you right to make me feel and treat like shit. Make me feel like committing suicide.  Cut my veins or consume cup full of pills or jump in Yamuna, and die a dog’s death.

But the thought is over, and I am still alive, writing this. Sorry I have failed you, because I did not cry myself horse, so what if I was teary eyes- you could not have seen me from 1500 miles away.

I am instead going to go someplace calm, nice place and just think, if all this is worth it?

Darling- I am going to change, but not for you this time …for ME!

Ah- I'm a MOM Now

It has been pretty long since i have not written to you dear blog. I m sorry for keeping my life secret from you;you know I am happy to be a mom, most of the times, but you know it is little difficult to get used to run around someone all the time try to understand what my child wants when her vocabulary is limited to DADA . Plus i don’t have right on a minute of my time anymore :(. it is difficult but at the same time there is a great satisfying feeling in raising someone who is a part of me. So the love is unconditional. I know it sounds like cliché but unconditional love gives greatest satisfaction and pleasure better than having a shot of ecstasy (no i have never tried it)


All in all my decision of having a child so early in our marriage, while my husband wanted to wait for another four years, was not that wrong. i am not like this. don’t you? :D. But as you are about to know i have become a mom now (mixed feelings). So i was busy looking after my little one. She is almost eleven months old and already a handful. phewwww. anyway i am going to be regular again going to share my feelings, happiness, vent my anger here and little bit of gossiping as usual.

Anger is a dreadful thing, well now i know

My health was down for last few days. I was at home all the time; I spent most of my time sleeping and rest reading a novel called “FOREVER”. I have read some 267 pages of this novel and have reached to a level of addiction. There is so much suspense and lot of murder happening and all that.




But my bad luck I tore this novel apart in pieces following some verbal altercation with my mother. I hate it when some one mistreat my books or throw them. And my mother did exactly same, she threw my novel off the sofa when I had gone to the other room to change. I don’t know what happened to me when I listened that “thud”. I came dashing to the room my mom was in, and I picked the book tore it and threw it off the window. Then I went mad I picked all those precious gifts I have got and smashed them on the floor.


Oh I loved those gifts and I have put them on the table besides my bed. Well, about after an hour when I was cool down I asked my nephew to go and get pieces of the novel, which I though still be laying on the ground, but to my disappointment some rag picker had already took them from there.

So Moral is in anger to just lose lose and lose……
Now I am trying to find this novel. I want to know what happens in the end.

Life Is A Bitch

Everything is so happy and wonderful, and still it is not. You have get what you needed but then you don't have what you want. In fact you are so confused in life you don't actually know what you want. You try to live every moment. you try not to think a lot about future and decide to take things as they will come. But then is it why you say life is a bitch?

Or there are more reasons for it? Why life keep on unfolding so many mysteries every now and then. Why you cant live your life the way you always wanted to? Why there is some constraints every time for everything? Why cant we be free like birds and fly. Every day at least once i imagine my self away from everything, every one.... in a far far away land, in lush green place besides a beautiful river bank enjoying my self, running like an animal all over the green land which is beautified with most beautiful flowers in the world, then diving in river playing in water all alone for long hours. Then dressing my self with wonderful flowers and sleeping on green grass under the open sky with thousands of shining stars. It feels like heaven. But then i return to my senses and back to this man eat man world, and i ask my self what have i done to deserve this?
Here no one respect each other, women is mere a commodity for large number of men. Money speaks for every thing. But no matter how much money one has can that person buy the happiness and peace of mind i enjoy at least once a day in my dream world??

Love keeps us going

Some times life seems to be so confusing, and relationships become strange. Things go exactly opposite to how you have had planned them.

But then love keeps us alive, and I think we should not do something to hurt our loved one. We have chosen them above all other people, and can’t let go of them for any reason or thing.

I have realized happiness; fun is good as long as it’s not going to create a trouble in our relationship. In life some time you have to let go of things to run your life smoothly and to be away from complications.

Who is that guy in those “Sexy Shades”?

Yesterday Sanna (My BF) and I went to get his eyes checked. Well the eye specialist said he has to wear glasses or lenses. He being a care less guy opted for glasses (for the time being). All the time there at optician I was teasing him that now he is not only has a little paunch and is getting bald but also going to wear glasses. Sanna also bought a stunning pair of shades from there. He was looking damn good in those amazing shades.




But as I love to tease him, I was asking him repeatedly “ hey do you think it will make up for all your shortcomings??;-) For sure this is making you look hot and sexy but are you assuming I will disregard the fact that you are short tempered. ;-)
He he he…ohhh god I love teasing him. For sure he is a nice, caring guy, who loves a cartoon like me.

P.S.-If you spot a hot guy in shades you know who he is. Right? :-D

Beautiful Himachal

I have come back from my home town after five days of holidaying. The place I belong to is extremely beautiful. My home is in valley surrounded by mountains from every side. You can see snow clad peaks of mountains all year long. God I miss Himachal. I still remember when I was young (I use to stay in Himachal) during winters there would thin layer of ice over water. I would be so cold that my brother and I would not drink adequate water.


We have done lot of stupid things together like killing bats with pillow, we would use pillow as bat and hit bat when ever any unfortunate bird would enter our home at night. We would kill rats and flies. What ever good or bad we have done, I miss it. Well I would not kill poor animals ever again but I miss those beautiful full of fun days.

Why Life Is Like This?

Going to my home town for four or five days. Was not very happy to go there initially but now since things are not smooth with my BF, I am feeling good that I am going away from this maddening place.




So times I feel I could go to some place, far away from every body. Right now, I wish to call my mother and ask her to find some guy for me. I don’t want to come back to this place, where every body is so mean.
When I look around I see people unhappy for one or other reason, Why every one is not happy in their life. Why sad, bad things happen?

Is "i love u" too personal detail?

My blog is like my personal diary, and people tend to write what ever they feel like on their diaries. But every time I write about my feeling for my boy friend on my blog, he does not like it and eventually I have to delete the post or comment containing my feeling for him.



Is my blog not mine enough that I can write freely on it? Why do I have to take permissions from other people if I can write something or not? All I wish to write that I love him a lot, is it too much of a personal detail to not to be disclosed? If you don’t like something don’t read it, why some people like to spoil others mood?

Which dream to believe on ;-)

Was surfing through a blogger friend’s blog, In one of the post he has described how he is having nightmares, that his girl friend is dying of cancer. Which causes him intense pain that he cried in sleep, woke up early morning and smsed his GF to know if every thing is alright. Now he wants to know if this dream has any relevance or not?

Well, even I have been dreaming funny things about my office and colleagues now days. (Almost everyday) But I don’t believe in what ever I have seen, is going to happen or is happening :). It’s just that I may be unconsciously thinking so much about these things that they were still running in mind even when I am asleep.

I still remember when I was a kid I would dream about ghosts, some horrible animals every time my brother and I will talk about them or watch such movies. Then we will wake up crying at night, and get good telling off from our mom very next morning.

I don’t believe in nightmares, but dreams yes I believe explicitly. ;-)

What a weekend it was :)

This weekend was one of the wonderful weekends I ever had. I enjoyed it so much. Laughed a lot, made some of the most meaning remarks, teased, grinned, was happy, sad, ,in short experienced almost all emotions in these two days. Woke up little late on Saturday but unpredictably my Bf called me around 12:15 or something which means calling real early for a lazy bum like him. So the surprises started happening from 12:15 on Saturday


Had the most fantastic time with him, we laughed like mad. I can’t disclose one what things as I have swear on him. Ha ha ha ;-)( I have not put any link on your name Sanna ;-P.)

We eat out at Delhi Heart, a place he almost loathes. So I couldn’t even complain about those stale momo’s I had..uukkkkkkk…horrible :-X, wonder what has happened to that Nagaland Stall, it used to have most delicious momo around Delhi. Anyway….
Came back home quite late, skipped my guitar class too.




On Sunday as usual woke up late, watched Harry potter the first part, than washed my formal cloth, took me whole (BLODDY) day to clean them. Ahhhhh Poor me! Sanna (My BF) called me little late as expected and we made a plan to meet around 7pm, but that plan could not be materialized as I had to go to market to collect my formal shirt, I was out till 8:30Pm so we postponed out meeting to Monday

At night we had fight (Sanna and I) over something, I apparently irritated him, so he snapped the line, and that is some thing I hate to core. So I put a sms as expected out of me, he called back. But as every one knows girlfriends never make up in first call so he called me again (well he is smart) in some time. Than we chatted for a long time and his plan to watch a movie at night went for a toss. I think he watched some part of the movie.

So I had a emotion packed weekend, and it was as I said wonderful.

Today is Monday I am back in office two of my clients stories have make it to Economic Times front page so I am happy.

Well time to get back to work………..

Wow, that was a weekend. :)

So Happy

I think the weather has done its wonder on me; I am in cheered up mood. Happy about absolutely nothing, and believe me it’s such a great feeling.

Well, yes a friend of mine (Anupam) has promised to gift me a Great Dane. I checked out this dog’s pictures on the net as I had no idea what a Great Dane looks like. I was more than happy to see it. It’s a fabulous, huge dog. Wow. The whole evening I was planning that how am I going to take care of it, train it, and stuff... Funniest part is I even dreamt about it. This cute little puppy shitting all over my room.:)

I can't wait to have this puppy, I am also thinking about what name to give him. Thanks Anupam in advance for this :). Well I am writing your name and thanks so that you don’t break your promise. Smart trick, isn’t it??

Thanks good for making me so happy, for making me so privileged, and for every thing.

Bullshit People

Once again I have changed the name of my blog. It’s kind of attempt to run away from some people, let's see how successful would I be. Saturday and Sunday were very very lazy days. Almost slept the whole day, but this slow lazy weekend was really good after a mad week (working week).

I suddenly felt there is no use of paying attention to people, who are too occupied with them selves or their hobbies. This particular person told me that people should not meet every day and should pursue their hobbies. So I asked him, does it mean you will not get married at all, as than you will have to see your wife every day? And as far as giving space is concerned, you hardly speak to me during the day. You call me for half an hour at night and than blog till 2:30 -3 at night, on weekends you wake up around 2:30, 3 o'clock as you were surfing till late night. Then once you are through with other things in your life you call me at 6 in the evening and ask me to meet you. How much more space do you want, and you still think that you can’t breath, you are suffocated, and you can’t take decisions in your life. How funny. But now I have given all the space to this person, as I have decided not to speak to him ever.

First time I was not feeling bad after listening to all this bullshit. Infact I am in a god mood. Working happily and looking forward for good things in life.

:)

Happy To Have You Back

Darling Blog,

Welcome back.

I am so happy to have you back, i had no idea that you mean so much to me. But once i deleted you i felt like i have killed my best friend. How know so much about me and familiar with all my feelings.

I love you so much
:-*
Hugs & Kisses

And thanks a ton to Blogger for restoring it. :-*

Learn to love yourself

Got a lesson from a friend that as long as you don't let go of something, how would u ever know if u deserve or can get some thing better. It’s so true but then it’s easy to say then practice. Just imagine you are in love with some one who doesn't care about you much or doesn’t pays as much attention as you deserve, but then you are deep in love with that person. Can you leave him/her to get /find some one better??

I don't think anyone would do it, to be put correctly can do it. Only time can teach us how to let go of such people. As I believe its better to get hurt once and cry our heart out then getting hurt every day, because this person did not do some thing he/ she should have.

We all should learn to love or not to love some body according to how we are being treated. I don't believe in philosophy like we shall love people irrespective of how they treat us. One should learn to love oneself, and once you have learned the art, no one can possibly hurt you, as you would not let anyone hurt you.

Till the time we don't learn to love our self we can keep our self occupied so that we don't think too much about the person concerned. As we start decreasing the time we give to this person, we start becoming independent. We depend lesser on this person which is a great achievement, and then one fine day we become free bird. Then no such person ever matters to us. So the aim is to become a free bird, now whatever path you chose depends on you.

So, be happy.

:)

Horrible day

Today was horrible day. was working like an ass the whole day, was working on 4 clients. My god some time wonders what does these people expect out of me?? world?? so many calls from clients from other offices from journalists, ohhh felt like a call center employee. Dont have any energy left to speak. :(. writing this post that latter on i could remember that i worked so much and what a day it was. ;)

Some time i think i am not able to make some people understand. I don't mean to interview anyone, but i think i tend to forget sometimes that i don't have no right on anyone to ask them even simple questions like why did you call me?? or you angry.
but thats what life is all about.

Right now listening to "Had a Bad Day song" and "every breath you take". finding these songs very soothing. Don't know what is wrong now a days with a Friend of mine and i , we end up fighting for trivial things. Is there lack of understanding or i dont know if some kind of hint. What ever it is i am not ready for it. But then its life and fate so why would any one listen to me i am to insignificant.

Just wonder sometimes what is it Thai mata has in mind for me. Why have i become to emotionaly weak now a days. Why do i cry on every time on such things when i know some people are rude they don't care about other's emotions and they find emotional people fool, weak and unhappy from within , and emotions are nothing but dramas and tantrums for them.

I am trying to be strong, but in vain. Where is that real me who used to be very strong? Gotta find her.

Well enough being depressing, anyways who cares!
:)
lets see what lies ahead for me.... has to be something good.

Back 2 Work

Back to work. Been to Himachal my home town for five days. Weather was so pleasant, we had to take blanket at night. Met my relatives after a long long time. Wow it felt good.On Friday we went to Murarati Devi, which is at the peak of a very high mountain. Road was horrible, but it was fun going there. View from the top( murari devi temple) was beautiful, we could see Sundernagar Lake, and lot of other places( i don't know the names) from there. On Saturday we visited THAI MATA, my favourite goddess. As usual i asked for lot of things from her. Which i am sure i will get and i dont get them i would get something better. :)

We came back on Monday morning, and i could not even take an off as i had lot of work in office. So while working my beautiful Himachal was flashing on the back of my mind.

But, what to do??.... Ohh just remember i have lot of work lined up.
Should get back to it, if i don't wish to stay back.


:)

Wat do u do when ur sad?

Hey...
what do u guys do when your sad, feeling low, and feels like if the whole world is after you to let you down??

well...
music really cheer me up. Just some time back i was crying feeling low, and now I'm high spirited girl once again, listening to rock.

So what do u guys do when feeling low??
Eat chocolates,
Go shopping,
Chat over phone for hours and hours
watch movie
curse the one responsible for this
cry in a corner
Wat Wat Wat.....

Do let me know...

Cheers...
keep smiling, and winking:)

Just wat i wanted :)

just in this post i am going to write about some one , once and for all. story begins some thing like...

we met through his blog, became friend and then more then just friends. He would chat with me during the day on Gmail, and would call me at night (as he would be very busy during the day) talk a lot about what we will do together, go camping, spend night looking at stars, and lot of good things. But as soon as i got in to relation ship with him, he was too busy to chat, but still would call me as usual at night only night. So i started saying call me during the day too, if not for long then just for a minute to say hi. So after much hue and cry he started that, he would call me in the morning around 10:30 for a minute and say hi, how are u , ok bye continue working. And some times during lunch(1 min.) to inquire had lunch?? and then would come to pick me in the evening and drop me home. But some times he would hardly talk as he would be tired just pick me from my office and drop me home.

I never asked him to call me for 5 minutes, all i asked was to call me twice a day even for a minute just to say hi, but may be that was too much of asking.

Once hooked to his net he would not even care to send a msg to me, and initially i used to call him once a while during the day but all the time he would be very busy so i stoped calling him.

he sent me a msg around one at night on Friday" hi sweets i have messed up my website big time, i hope i have kept a backup in my office so tomorrow i will go to office in morning and check" So he went to office, worked on his site and did not bother to send me a msg only the whole day, and den called me around quarter to five and asked hey u going for ur guitar class... i ll come to pick u. i said no no u work on ur blog i will come back on my own...

But he came to pick me around 6, 6:15 and then we go to reliance store as his data card was giving some problems. I sat in his car when he went to the store, as i wanted to stay alone, all this time i was thinking what has happned to me, y do i let this guy treat me like an option, when nothing better to do then he come to see me or call me. So i decided i have had enough, so once he was back in his car i asked him to drop me at a bus stand , but at a jamm(before bus stand) i got off his car took my guitar, and took an auto home.

He did not call me after that, then when he was tired of his blogging his net surfing , have had enough of sleep, he started sending me msgs at night(on Sunday, after a day and a night), dat y are u always angry with me? wat did i do.... so after some time i msged back...hey you must have had sleep all day, blogged all evening now when ur not sleepy don't you have some thing better to do??



And today he sent me the most rude email of my life, telling me that Know what, you only know what you want..what you want and what you want...... and if i don't love my self, no one can make me happy...as im not happy from with in... i want him to Call me in the morning, call me in noon, meet me in the evening, call me before sleeping...is there anything I can do besides this relationship in my life?...I don't need all this nonsense in this world. You have placed yourself against the website as if it is some sort of 'other girl' in my life. I have never seen someone getting insecure over her boyfriend's hobby.




Know wat the most stupid and silly thing is that it made me cry....when i should not have given a damn, how silly of some one to even think that i would be jealous of his blogg, OMG...but then dont we learn from our mistakes???


So much for my happy ending....

:)

Pheww Tired

oh tired of deleting my blog posts, already deleted 23 posts, don't know how many more to go.:)

hmmm....reason?? Trying to start my life once again from de start. so let bygones be bygones. Right?

hey yesterday was my first guitar class. know what my batch mates are 2nd and 3rd standard kids...what a luck...

have lot to write...would write soon :)
cheers
bella